


Grieving by Vulcan Lover

by KSForever



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M, Nexus - Freeform, Spock in Grief
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-13
Updated: 2017-03-13
Packaged: 2018-10-04 09:54:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,475
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10274240
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KSForever/pseuds/KSForever
Summary: Stupid Nexus - Spock and the toughest of his grief for Jim.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Spock is, in essence, told of Kirk's death/their separation twice.

Grieving

When Jim died, Spock almost died. His body, and his mind, could not cope with the broken shards of Biochemistry from his Bond with Jim. One moment, they, he, would rage; wildly trying to find, and match up with, Jim’s answering ‘pattern’ – the next minute, those levels of Biochemistry Spock was experiencing, would plummet, and his body could no more function with those levels in question, being so low, as it could, when those same levels were so very high.

Amanda tried to reach out to her son.

“I know I am selfish to want to get you back for a second time, in this life, to this life, but, PLEASE, my Darling son, Don’t leave me. Please.” She talked with him, as he sat next to her in what Jim would say was the Vulcan equivalent of an ‘Orangery’ (late one night), in the grounds of his and his father’s Ancestral home; the ‘Estate’ of Sarek of Vulcan.

Spock, silent, just stared out at the stars through the ‘glass’, and considered walking out into the night air to look up at those stars he could see; but he knew it would, somehow, further break his heart to do so. He also considered that this might be the answer – that simple action, so heart-breaking, might actually break his heart enough to kill him, and take him to Jim’s side. In those moments, his heart also bled for Jim; knowing that Jim must have gone through this when he, Spock, ‘died’ -as it turned out, before his time, - saving the ship and the crew during the battle with Khan; But, Spock would not be getting Jim back, would he?

While he stayed with his parents, because they and the Healers insisted upon it; Sarek, also, tried to talk to his son, and to help him. He did something he’d rarely done in their family life before this day; he cooked a meal for his son – and sat down with him at the table, to try and, somehow, talk.

Then, McCoy came to the Estate, and stayed for a couple of days.

One evening, Spock turned to him as they sat alone, and Spock endured being spoken to. “I cannot keep letting, or making, myself go on without him.” He told McCoy. “Apart from any other consideration; there is the fact that, every seven years, I will be called to, even forced to, have coitus with someone who is not Jim, is not my T’hy’la.” He found himself confiding very intimate matters. Why?

“Somehow, we’ll find a way to make that a little bit easier for you, I promise.” McCoy said, emotionally. “I don’t know how yet, but we will, Spock, I swear that fact to you.”

Spock could feel his tears brewing; so, he ‘simply’ got up, and walked away from the hearth, and out of the dimly lit room.

Eventually, Spock had gone into a coma from the stresses and strains on his body and mind, there, because he had lost Jim. Not for the first time, Spock wondered how those around him could be so very selfish; they were asking him to continue surviving without Jim. Spock was bereft, and angry with himself, because he’d survived even this far. Why was his grief apparently not deep and heartfelt enough to kill him? Was the Bond not made meaningful enough? It’s shards stabbed him daily; almost every moment, except for those moments, when his brain seemed to, frustratingly switch channels, away from the pain; the pain that he deserved to; wanted to, feel ALL the time.

The Healers, and temple elders, managed to bring him out of it, and put him into another kind of coma; one that would supposedly help him heal, and continue to live.  
_ ___ __

Spock spent years after his initial ‘recovery’, trying to gather knowledge about the Nexus; and what he did manage to learn, led him to realise that if Jim were in fact in it, he could not rescue him. Jim would not want him to, because the destruction that would be wrought by Spock’s efforts, would, quite literally, but not just be, Astronomical.

During his first Pon Farr without Jim, he was prepared to kill himself by letting the process escalate beyond the point that sex would save him; he even tried to help his death hurry up – but it did not work – the partner that had been selected for Spock, when he would not, could not, select one for himself; found him, and saved him – and then, saved him again, by having sex with him. Spock had not been drugged, in order to make him comply, but, though he was treated kindly, Spock felt numb throughout. He figured, of course, that it would have been more compassionate of his partner, and those who had found him the male, (would it have been ‘easier’ with a woman? Would it have been less of a betrayal of Jim?) to, at last, let him die.

___ ___ __

When Captain Jean-Luc Picard contacted Spock on that day, almost eighty years after Jim had gone ‘missing’; Picard’s news pretty much throttled Spock. He was only thankful that his work, trying to Reunify Vulcans and Romulans, had recently been taken over by younger Diplomats; calling him away from that situation.

Spock made his way, as soon as he was allowed to, to Jim’s graveside, on Veridian III. This part of the planet was, ‘littered’ with Starfleet Personnel and other people - Scientists, some of them from the Vulcan Science Academy; also there, were, Utopia Planetia Engineer crews; and, everyone (everyone but the one person who mattered most of all to Spock; he’d gone already. Spock found that he was angry at Jim -perhaps, he had been ever since eighty years ago; but he found, more so, that he was, again, or still, angry at himself – for not being there, twice now; three, if you counted the fact that he, Spock, had been alive, in this life, for eight decades now; not with Jim, when Jim needed him) was here because of the ‘incidents’ that had occurred on this planet, and in this system in general, in the last few days. None of them, thankfully, were in the vicinity of Jim’s grave, currently.

Spock stood there; the pile of stones that covered his lover’s body, laying in front of the Vulcan-Human. His Vulcan sensibilities made him attempt to not cry – but he wasn’t being very successful in his efforts to comply with those damned sensibilities. Spock knew he was crying – sobbing, in the way that he first had during the time immediately after the Psi 2000 hampered Mission –Spock was crying, on the the ‘outside’ as well as the inside. He supposed that it was the very, very least he owed Jim; to, openly, shed tears for him, not ‘just’ within their Bond. “I do love you.” He whispered, privately, intimately. “I love you so very much. I want to be with you, Jim. I beg to be with you. My family have all gone ahead of me now. They get to be with you. I don’t know why I’m still here. I do so love you, T’hy’la.” He paused; his eyes flooded, over-brimming with tears. “I know we were T’hy’la, Jim. I hope you still agree with me? Will you, will God, let me be with you?” Spock, the logical Vulcan, acknowledged God; Perhaps, for the first time; wondering, if that was why he hadn’t been allowed to ‘die’ after Jim had; – because, in trying to be Vulcan, he rarely, if ever, openly admitted that he believed in God, somehow… Spock sensed that his soul had been made to wait somewhere, when radiation had killed him, all those years ago; but the life after this had not been ready for him then either; that time, he was thankful of it. Now? No. He was not grateful. He knew that a Heaven did exist; he had, sort of been there once; in actuality, not just in seeing it reflected in Jim’s eyes when they made love; but, Spock did not have a full memory of where he was when he’d been made to wait, that time; closer to Heaven than he was now, as he still waited for it, none-the-less. Further, being Vulcan, Spock could not go around speaking of the admission that he emotionally believed in the illogic of not just another realm, known to beings here as Heaven, but a God’s existence, too. “What now, Jim? What now? Please, tell me!” He cried, looking beyond Jim’s grave, and then, to his own side as he stood there, and then, up to the sky – beyond, again – beyond where the Nexus had been, while Jim was here, and he was not.

The End..?  
Written: 5.7.16  
By Bethany S. Heard-Hubbard


End file.
